Cult News

Maybe in Los Angeles and perhaps this week, the blessed event will occur.

Hallelujah! 

Katie Holmes, the apparent Scientology version of the “Virgin Mary,” will give birth.

“Silent birth” that is.

This Scientology practice requires Ms. Holmes to shut up and squeeze without any painkillers.

She may listen to some “mellow music” coming from an MP3 player given to her as a gift from her sweetie Tom Cruise reports China Daily.

The following could be considered Scientology’s founder L. Ron Hubbard’s top ten tips on “silent birth” and having kids, or for Scientologists probably more like Hubbard’s “Ten Commandments,” based upon a report filed by The Guardian.

1. You must stay silent because this avoids those pesky “engrams,’ impressions formed in the brain because of “physical pain or painful” experiences.

Katie might wonder, “Doesn’t my pain matter, won’t that make some engrams”?

Answer: “Shut up and push, hubby will likely get you a discount to clear them, but make sure that’s in the prenup.”

2. “A woman who is pregnant should be given every consideration by a society which has any feeling for its future generations.” 

Except for an epidural.

3. “Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of sh’s.”  

How about little cussing?

Can Katie curse and offer “a volley” of “sh-t that hurts”?

4. “Women, you have a right and a reason to demand good treatment.”

Except for an epidural.

5. “The womb is wet, uncomfortable and unprotected.”

Who gave Hubbard that inside information?

7. “Calm and harmonious atmosphere” for the child.

OK that means Scientology’s “Top Gun” should try to make his third marriage work and avoid another divorce.

8.  “Say nothing around a sick child or an injured child. Smile, appear calm, but say nothing.”

No problem for a long time professional actor, though for first time mom Katie Holmes it could be difficult.

However, with all that Scientology training she has seemingly perfected some kind of Hubbard smile.

9. “If she [the child] falls, she should be helped – but silently.”

Does that mean Katie, which child, this could be confusing for Tom Cruise?

10. “No drooling sympathy.”

No problem for a middle-aged actor, the drooling will start later, and a young wife can help clean it up. 

By the way Hubbard offered a few prophetic tips on prenatal care too. Here are some special gems of his wisdom.

Did you know that when a child bounces on a pregnant woman’s lap, her unborn child gets an engram?

Watch out Mr. Cruise that may include childish couch jumping.

And “anyone who is emotional around a pregnant woman is communicating that emotion straight to the child.”

Perhaps Scientology’s “Top Gun” should have eased up on Today Show host Matt Lauer, stopped threatening nasty lawsuits and avoided any conflict with South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

If the husband uses language during sex, “every word is going to be engramic.”

Maybe that’s no problem for someone supposedly “trapped in the closet“?

Scientology may be moving in on the Mayor of San Francisco. 

Scientologist John Travolta and the Mayor Gavin Newsom will be “exchanging gifts” at a Quantas Air promotional event tonight reports SFist.

John Travolta is a pretty good proselytizer, he once recruited Elvis’s ex Priscilla Presley for the controversial church, has he now set his sights on the mayor by the Bay?

Newsom’s new girlfriend Sophia Milos, star of CSI Miami, is also a Scientologist.

So is Scientology triangulating or is this just a coincidence?

Will the two Scientologists become a tag team to take down the mayor for their hero L. Ron Hubbard?

Meanwhile the supposedly savvy politician should know that Scientology continues to be the butt of jokes on TV.

The “gloves are off in a take-off on the Scientology/Kabbalah wave among the celebs” at Tori Spelling’s new VH1 series “So Notorious” reports Linda Stassi for the New York Post.

In the second episode the former “90210” teen’s boyfriend belongs to a cult that “recruits rich celebs and gay stars and hooks them up with hot women.” And there is “no doubt just who and what Tori and Co. are poking fun at” says Stassi.

Alluding to Scientology and Tom Cruise’s alleged showdown with South Park the Post writer ponders whether or not this episode be pulled?

Hey, wasn’t star John Travolta rumored to be gay, until he hooked up with hot Kelly Preston?

And it seems that there is also hope for a divorced mayor to find “hot women” amongst the Scientology faithful.

Mayor Newsom may be hooked, but at what cost to his political career?

It’s obvious what he sees in Sophia Milos, but is affection the only thing she wants fom Gavin Newsom, or is there something else the actress expects for Scientology?

Conservatives are supposedly rallying “to gin up a new threat to the family. They’ve found it in Big Love,” the TV show about polygamy reports Slate.

Meanwhile those who really know about polygamist groups, Mormons and their practices wonder about the inaccuracies contained within the controversial HBO show.

The New York Times gathered together both current and former polygamist wives to weigh in with their comments about “Big Love.”

While active polygamists sought to support the series portrayal of seemingly middle-class polygamy in suburbia others that oppose the practice dismissed the show as a “Hollywood fantasy for men.”

“‘Big Love’ skims the surface of the intense dynamics in plural families. Their isolation, secrecy, and complicated logistics make them breeding grounds for forced marriage, underage brides,” said Vicky Prunty.

Prunty is the co-director of Tapestry Against Polygamy, a non-profit organization dedicated to the purpose of exposing polygamy and helping people to leave polygamist groups.

The Mormon Church no long practices polygamy and has denounced the HBO series.

An interesting detail probably purposely left out of Big Love’s bedroom scenes is the “holy underwear” worn by both Mormons and polygamists. Though the series shows plenty of skin viewers never get a glimpse of these garments.

“Mormons have one style, polygamists have another, but neither would be caught dead – literally – without some form of the knee length, short-sleeved white garments worn to remind them of the sacred’ covenants they’ve made,” says a reader at filmstew.com, who later adds “Perhaps their omission in the series is due to the intense sacredness most Mormons attribute to these garments. Many would be mortified, and expect me to burn in hell for even mentioning them.”

The same reader had some much more serious first-hand experience with polygamists that reflected the dilemma often posed by the practice to child protection authorities.

“I also volunteered at the local juvenile detention center, where underage girls from polygamist families frequently stayed. It seems many of these girls would rather run away from home than marry their elderly uncle or other family member, and, not having anywhere else to go, the authorities would find the girls wandering Salt Lake City. You can’t just leave a 14-year-old out on the streets, so they would be sent to the detention center where they waited for their legal guardians, their polygamist mothers, to come claim them. For legal reasons, the authorities had no choice but to send them right back to the same communities they were fleeing” she said.

There are about 50,000 polygamists in North America. Most are located within the states of Utah, Arizona and Monatana. A large contingent also exists in Canadian British Columbia.

But the largest segment of polygamists worldwide is amongst Arab, Muslim and African countries where the practice is relatively commonplace.

For example, In Uganda authorities are concerned about proposed paternity leave because “it would be abused and would lead to loss of work hours especially in the case of polygamous men” reports New Vision.

Ironically, pro-polygamists and anti-polygamists frequently quote the bible to support their positions.

Pro-polygamist correctly state that many of the great men lionized within the bible had more than one wife.

“Abraham, David, Jacob and Solomon were all favored by God and were all polygamists,” law professor Jonathan Turley told Slate.

“Favored? Look what polygamy did for them. Sarah told Abraham to sleep with her servant. When the servant got pregnant and came to despise Sarah, Sarah kicked her out. Rachel and Leah fought over Jacob, who ended up stripping his eldest son of his birthright for sleeping with Jacob’s concubine. David got rid of Bathsheba’s husband by ordering troops to betray him in battle. Promiscuity had the first word, but jealousy always had the last,” observes William Saletan writing for Slate.

It seems that “Big Love” didn’t do the men of the bible much good. And according to its critics it isn’t doing that well for the women caught within its web today.

Seminal soul singer James Brown once sang “It’s a man’s world,” well it certainly is within polygamist groups. Men made and continue to make the rules so it’s no big surprise that “Big Love” seems to favor them.

Victoria Beckham, the former “Posh Spice” and wife of soccer superstar David Beckham, has been approached by Tom Cruise about Scientology and is friendly with his pregnant bride-to-be Katie Holmes.

Not long ago the soccer stud’s queen was seen reading a copy of “Dianetics” by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

But it seems that Madonna and the Kabbalah Centre may have scooped her up despite Tom and Katie’s recent attentions.

Victoria Beckham was recently photographed wearing the “red string” reports Sydney Confidential.

The string is more than a fashion statement to Kabbalah Centre devotees like Madonna, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. Though the string supposedly wards off the “evil eye” according to the group, it also typically symbolizes something more–and affinity or interest in the organization that sells it.

It appears that there has been an almost frantic competition between the two most popular purported “cults” in Hollywood, to get the Beckhams onboard, they are Britain’s most popular celebrity couple, outside the royal family.

Each group’s top recruiter has come knocking on the door, Tom Cruise from Scientology and Madonna for her beloved Kabbalah Centre.

Certainly, whoever gets “Beck” and his wife Victoria will draw the attention of soccer fans worldwide, not to mention celebrity watchers, waiting for the next trend.

Has the Kabbalah Centre won?

Or will Victoria Beckham succumb to Scientology?

Perhaps Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie have the edge, since Ritchie after all is a Brit and his wife keeps a house in the English countryside.

But Katie Holmes’ coming blessed event coule reel the Beckham’s in for a visit to some Scientology venue?

CultNews continues to watch breathlessly, which “cult” will win?

Have you ever considered doing Scientology, but thought it might be just a bit too expensive? After all, not everyone has millions like Tom Cruise, John Travolta and other Scientology celebs.

But for those curious about what some call the Sci-fi “cult,” there is a cheaper way to get whatever Tom Cruise says he’s got and a dose of that Travolta “Saturday Night Fever.” And it can be done without maxing out your credit cards.

First, you can study all of Scientology’s so-called “secret teachings” through a Web site “Operation Clambake.” Find out for free what Scientologists paid thousands and thousands to learn.

“Clambake” includes in its “secret library” the zealously guarded “Operating Thetan” (OT) levels, one through eight, John Travolta has reached OT-7, but you can get to eight tonight if you cram.

Just click here to see it all.

Then there is that process Scientologists call “auditing,” which has cost Cruise and his girl Katie big bucks per hour. This process is largely predicated upon a device used by Scientologists called the “e-meter.”

A Scientologist using the e-meter called an “auditor” sits across from someone holding two cans wired to a box with a meter. The auditor asks questions and watches the needle on the meter to determine how the subject is doing. The auditor also often keeps copious notes on any responses and the general progress of the subject, which may be shared with others in the church.

But what is the e-meter?

Well, to Scientologists it’s almost a “sacred object” or perhaps a “holy relic” left behind by their beloved founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Hubbard may be dead, but the e-meter lives on.

However, there is really nothing so secret or unique about the e-meter.

This basic device is more commonly called a “Galvanic Skin Response (GSR) Meter,” or what some would see as simply one component of a machine known as the “lie detector.”

That’s right, Hubbard’s holy relic actually measures nervous tension, and as most people get a little tense when they lie or discuss upsetting aspects of their lives, this makes the needle move within the e-meter.

But you don’t have to pay money like Tom Cruise to be audited. Instead, you may be able to make your very own personal GSR for less than Tom and Katie probably pay for single Scientology auditing session.

“The LEGO lie detector makes interrogations fun,” reports Engadget.

Just click here for better understanding on how to build your very own GSR, or what you might call a personal “e-meter.”

After assembling your device to detect nervousness and/or differentiate truth from fiction, why not recruit a friend to become your personal auditor and take turns auditing each other for free.

And just think, you won’t have to sign away any of your civil rights through any Scientology “release forms” to perform these “religious services.”

Authorities now have a new photo to identify wanted fugitive and polygamist leader Warren Jeffs reports the Salt Lake City Tribune.

Jeffs is the supposed “prophet” and President of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS).

Once undisputed king of the largest following of polygamists in America and the final authority over about 10,000 followers situated in the states of Utah, Arizona, Nevada, Idaho, Texas, South Dakota, and in Canadian British Columbia, Jeffs is now a man on the lam.

Federal authorities are ready to pay $60,000 reward to anyone with information leading to his arrest.

The FLDS leader is charged with setting up underage girls with middle-aged husbands, a common practice amongst polygamist groups.

But his fugitive status Jeffs hasn’t stopped the so-called “prophet” from making a profit and moving money, which has enabled him to build new compounds for his most loyal followers in Texas and it seems South Dakota.

Jeffs was seen last at the dedication of a massive estimated 60,000-square-foot concrete temple erected by his diehard loyalists in Eldorado, Texas.

The Eldorado temple is surrounded by 1,371 acres controlled by Jeffs, while the property believed to be set aside for a Black Hills, South Dakota compound is about 100 acres reports the Austin Chronicle.

However, despite having built the first temple in FLDS history and his frenzied real estate development, Warren Jeffs’ empire is crumbling under the withering weight of federal, state and local authorities, which are intent upon making polygamists, obey the same laws and courts as expected of everyone else.

Once seemingly above the law and virtually a law unto themselves, polygamist groups such as the FLDS and their leaders are now facing civil judgements, fines, loss of property, government funds and even imprisonment.

According to a recent press release from a missionary organization that calls itself “Jews for Jesus” (JFJ) it has just completed another blitz of South Florida, targeting Jews for conversion to fundamentalist Christianity.

Stan Meyer of the Fort Lauderdale JFJ office claims that he coordinated more than sixty volunteers to target Jewish neighborhoods, often going “door-to-door,” from February 11th to March 5th.

It seems that about 375,000 Jews, many retired, live in Miami-Dade and Broward Counties, and for JFJ it was hunting season once again.

These missionaries actually put together a list of 16,000 Jewish households in Florida to target.

No doubt the devoted volunteers thought they might “save souls” from “eternal damnation in hell,” so they “knocked on 2,018 doors, placed 6,114 phone calls, and spoke with 1,473 persons.”

However, after all that knocking, calling and mailing, according to Meyer, only 251 Jews responded and probably most of those people had less than nice things to say.  

The final net result the Florida missionary reports is that only “11 Jewish persons” converted to fundamentalist Christianity through this comprehensive effort.

Three area churches this year supported the JFJ drive to target and convert Jews, Calvary Chapel in Miami Beach, Wayside Baptist in Kendall and Parkridge Baptist Church in Coral Springs.

It seems that if other evangelical churches were involved in some way they apparently didn’t want their names used within Meyer’s press release.

Given all this activity and expense it must have entailed, converting only 11 Jews can easily be seen as virtually a complete failure.

In 2004 apparently at least one alleged conversion reported by JFJ in its newsletter was completely fabricated. The supposed convert sued the organization and said the account of her change of faith was “completely fictitious.” The case was eventually dismissed, but a point was proven, you can’t always believe a JFJ report no matter how low the numbers are.

But of course Stan the missionary man doesn’t think so. And he looks forward to doing it all over again, and again, and again.

“I know we will be conducting more outreaches in South Florida and look forward to partnering with more churches and messianic congregations,” the paid professional proselytizer said.

Of course JFJ has a multi-million dollar annual budget and it takes such redundant crusades to justify its existence.

So JFJ and other groups like it, target the same Jewish communities repeatedly for what critics consider a self-serving purpose, which is to sustain a missionary machine that perpetuates a payroll.

But isn’t the targeting of one specific faith group for special missionary consideration something like religious persecution?

Billy Graham seems to be uncomfortable with this type of evangelism.

Nevertheless it’s money from American evangelicals and fundamentalist Christians that keeps the JFJ missionary machine running.

You would think that if these Christians really “love the Jews” and Israel as they so often insist, they would respect the repeated requests made by those same Jews to be left alone.

It’s understood that evangelical and fundamentalist Christians feel they have a “calling” to “witness their faith” and that is certainly one of their prerogatives and a religious right guaranteed by the First Amendment of the United States Constitution.

But how many times do missionaries have to witness to the same group of people before it becomes harassment? 

“No” does mean no doesn’t it? And at some point perhaps the evangelical community in America that supports groups like JFJ should know that.

Supporting repeated missionary efforts to target the same Jewish populations in cities across the country over, and over, and over again may mean a regular paycheck for Stan and other JFJ staffers, but it is offensive to Jews and some might say “anti-Semitic.”

What a difference a week makes. Last week it seemed as if Scientology had beaten South Park when Viacom apparently pulled the plug on the repeat of “Trapped in the Closet,” the stinging satire about the controversial church and its two leading celebrity faithful Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

“So, Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will not stop us…You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid…will fail!” South Park announced last week.

That warning proved to be prophetic when South Park took its revenge this week.

Isaac Hayes’ character “chef” met with a violent end on South Park’s premiere 10th season episode titled “”Return of the Chef.” The Comedy Central show’s co-creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker decided to use Isaac Hayes’ voice again, but this time it was spliced together to create a very different dialog.

In the rich baritone that made Hayes famous Chef tells the children of South Park, “How about I meet you guys after work and we make love . . . come on children, you’re my sexual fantasy, let’s all make sweet love.” 

From the “Shaft” super-stud that sang “Chocolate Salty Balls” to pedophile? 

But Chef was “brainwashed” by a cult-like group called “Super Adventure Club,” “thought to be a veiled reference to Scientology” reports BBC News.  

The South Park kids call the group “that fruity little club for scrambling…brains.”

After a failed deprogramming attempt Chef falls off a bridge and then is burned, stabbed and mauled by a lion and a grizzly bear.

At his funeral one child offers a fitting eulogy as follows:

“A lot of us don’t agree with the choices the Chef has made in the last few days. Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can’t let the events of the past few weeks take away the memories of how Chef made us smile.”

Sounds more like a parting words to Isaac Hayes, who quit South Park protesting their Scientology show “Trapped in the Closet,” going so far as to accuse the co-creators of religious “intolerance” and “bigotry.”

It seemed as if Hayes had re-imagined South Park as some sort of warm, fuzzy, friendly, politically correct show instead of the stinging satire it has always been.

However, as CultNews has reported South Park is not 7th Heaven.

Payback can be hard and Stone and Parker got the last word. And Scientology and Hayes should have known that a weekly show like South Park always gets the last word.

Though according to Roger Friedman of Fox News there may be a sad twist. Isaac Hayes, who had a stroke, may not have actually acted on his own. Scientology may have staged the star’s resignation using him like a pawn to upstage the once planned rerun of “Trapped in the closet.”

However, in the end Scientology seems overmatched in this “slap down.” 

There is an old axiom: “Never mud-wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty, but the pig has fun.”

Matt Stone and Trey Parker may not be pigs, but they appear to have had quit a run with the press and a lot of fun wrestling with Scientology. And arguably at the controversial church’s expense, which seems to have walked away with mud on its face.

“Return of Chef” even exceeded the ratings triumph of “Trapped in the Closet” drawing the largest audience of any South Park show run in the past two years.

Adam Finley writing for TV Squad observed “Parker and Stone’s humor has always been drawn from anger…The guiding ethos of South Park has always been a deep-seeded anger towards people and institutions that take themselves too seriously.”

And Scientology seems to take itself very seriously.

Who really killed off Chef?

The most telling scene in “Return of Chef” is when Stan screams “You killed Chef!” shaking his fists at the cult-like “Super Adventure Club” and adds “You bastards!”  

Tom Cruise has taken up a somewhat strange venue. Instead of another installment of couch jumping on the talk show circuit, he’s seemingly taken up speaking in cafeterias.

That’s right, the “World’s Greatest Movie Star” accepted a speaking engagement at the lunch room of Yahoo, the second best search engine on the Internet reports NBC 11.com.

Does “Number Two” Yahoo think that “Number One” Cruise can help it to overtake its rival Google?

The media was not allowed in, but some Yahoo employees managed to get a few photos out through their cell phones.

Isn’t the Internet wonderful?

Well, Scientology doesn’t always seem to think so. 

Groups called “cults” most often like what they control and don’t like what they don’t control, and Scientology has a love/hate relationship with the Internet and search engines like Yahoo.

Scientology, dubbed the “Cult of Greed” by Time magazine, loves to promote itself, its projects and programs through the ubiquitous Internet, but seems to hate the fact that the “Information Highway” is a “two-way street.”

Is the controversial church using its “Top Gun” to groom Yahoo’s CEO Terry Semmel for some favor later on?

Cruise could potentially be a surrogate for Scientology and call up Semmel, and say request that Yahoo drop a critical Web site off its search results. After all, rumor has it that he persuaded Viacom to drop a South Park episode last week that he and Scientology didn’t like.

Scientology attempted to get Google to drop certain Web pages, though the preeminent Internet search engine said, “the company had only removed certain pages from the site because of a copyright dispute.”

Well, if that’s the way Scientology handles number one, how would it treat number two?

And isn’t that what Scientology’s crusading stars are really for, either to recruit powerful people or to play them?

It’s much more likely that the Tom Cruise appearance at Yahoo’s campus cafeteria was about garnering influence for his church rather than encouraging fans to support Mission Impossible III.

An ultra-Orthodox rabbi in Israel is concerned that gays are responsible for bringing the bird flu to his country.

Rabbi David Batzri, head of the Magen David Yeshiva in Jerusalem, seems worried about not only the plight of chickens affecting the food chain, but also the specter of further plagues to be visited upon the land if those in power ignore his edicts.

Batzri thinks God has a system for such maladies, first its animals and then it’s people. And the people plague may be coming soon.

“The bible says that God punishes depravity first through plagues against animals and then in people,” said the rabbi.

Is this consistent with the pattern of Passover plagues visited upon Egypt when Pharaoh didn’t let the Israelites go?

The rabbi seems to think so, but he didn’t comment about how an earlier swine flu epidemic might have fit in.

Maybe that’s because as an Orthodox rabbi he keeps kosher and isn’t particularly worried about the plight of pigs.

But with Passover coming up Batzri may be concerned there won’t be enough untainted chicken soup to go around, and what’s matzo balls without a little chicken soup?

Seriously though, Rabbi Batzri, following in the footsteps of another fundamentalist Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), consistently sees God punishing people that disagree with him. Specifically, those that oppose his religious vision for Israel, which he insists, must not include same sex marriage.

Batzri lambasted Israeli politicians that support gay marriage for “strengthening and encouraging homosexuality,” that he described as “not a disease or a deviation, but a straight-out abomination” reports 365 gay.com.

Much in the same manner Batzri invokes the Almighty, Robertson claimed that God smote Prime Minister Aerial Sharon with a stroke because he engineered the pullout from Gaza.

Robertson, like the rabbi, quoted the bible to support his religious rant, though after some bad press the preacher recanted his remarks.

Batzri also has had harsh things to say about Arabs and is a segregationist.

“The Arabs are donkeys and beasts. They want to take our girls. They are endowed with true filthiness. There is pure and there is impure and they are impure” he said. Adding, “It is forbidden to blend darkness and light. The nation of Israel is pure and the Arabs are a nation of donkeys. They are an evil disaster, an evil devil, and a nasty affliction.”

What would the rabbi think of Moses’ wife Zipporah, couldn’t she be considered Arab?

Statements like these have gotten the rabbi into trouble.

This week the state prosecutor ordered police in Israel to open a criminal investigation of the so-called “sage” whose religious edicts apparently fit within the legal description of “racist incitement” rather than the realm of biblical words of wisdom reports Haaretz.

Meanwhile Good as you.org pondered the link between the Almighty and “animal ailments.” What about “Mad Cow disease”? The Web site even suggested that there might somehow be a “phonetic link between rabbis and rabies,” well at least maybe this rabbi and his rabid racist remarks.

Which brings up an interesting conundrum, should Rabbi Batzri be quarantined?

The Israeli authorities are investigating.