Maybe in Los Angeles and perhaps this week, the blessed event will occur.
Katie Holmes, the apparent Scientology version of the “Virgin Mary,” will give birth.
“Silent birth” that is.
This Scientology practice requires Ms. Holmes to shut up and squeeze without any painkillers.
She may listen to some “mellow music” coming from an MP3 player given to her as a gift from her sweetie Tom Cruise reports China Daily.
The following could be considered Scientology’s founder L. Ron Hubbard’s top ten tips on “silent birth” and having kids, or for Scientologists probably more like Hubbard’s “Ten Commandments,” based upon a report filed by The Guardian.
1. You must stay silent because this avoids those pesky “engrams,’ impressions formed in the brain because of “physical pain or painful” experiences.
Katie might wonder, “Doesn’t my pain matter, won’t that make some engrams”?
Answer: “Shut up and push, hubby will likely get you a discount to clear them, but make sure that’s in the prenup.”
2. “A woman who is pregnant should be given every consideration by a society which has any feeling for its future generations.”
Except for an epidural.
3. “Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of sh’s.”
How about little cussing?
Can Katie curse and offer “a volley” of “sh-t that hurts”?
4. “Women, you have a right and a reason to demand good treatment.”
Except for an epidural.
5. “The womb is wet, uncomfortable and unprotected.”
Who gave Hubbard that inside information?
7. “Calm and harmonious atmosphere” for the child.
OK that means Scientology’s “Top Gun” should try to make his third marriage work and avoid another divorce.
8. “Say nothing around a sick child or an injured child. Smile, appear calm, but say nothing.”
No problem for a long time professional actor, though for first time mom Katie Holmes it could be difficult.
However, with all that Scientology training she has seemingly perfected some kind of Hubbard smile.
9. “If she [the child] falls, she should be helped – but silently.”
Does that mean Katie, which child, this could be confusing for Tom Cruise?
10. “No drooling sympathy.”
No problem for a middle-aged actor, the drooling will start later, and a young wife can help clean it up.
By the way Hubbard offered a few prophetic tips on prenatal care too. Here are some special gems of his wisdom.
Did you know that when a child bounces on a pregnant woman’s lap, her unborn child gets an engram?
Watch out Mr. Cruise that may include childish couch jumping.
And “anyone who is emotional around a pregnant woman is communicating that emotion straight to the child.”
If the husband uses language during sex, “every word is going to be engramic.”
Maybe that’s no problem for someone supposedly “trapped in the closet“?